Be Yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
OSCAR WILDE
I’ve had the privilege of coaching numerous clients, and a consistent theme has emerged: the guilt that many parents, particularly women, experience while juggling their professional and personal lives. It might be a missed school event, a child saying, “You’re always working,” or that quiet, self-berating voice asking, “What was the cost of this achievement?” when you receive a promotion. This guilt isn’t just about time, it’s about identity. It’s the internal dilemma of being a mother, a leader, a wife, and a friend all at once.
It might be a missed school event, a child saying, “You’re always working,” or that quiet, self-berating voice asking, “What was the cost of this achievement?” when you receive a promotion. This guilt isn’t just about time, it’s about identity. It’s the internal dilemma of being a mother, a leader, a wife, and a friend all at once.
The ‘intensive mothering’ norm
Research consistently shows that working mothers experience higher levels of guilt than working fathers, even when working comparable hours. Sociologists call this the ‘intensive mothering norm’, the cultural expectation that a ‘good’ mother is constantly available, emotionally attuned, and primarily child-focused.
I remember my own corporate days after having my son. I felt a constant guilt from both sides. I wasn’t working the extensive hours I had pre-motherhood, yet I felt I was falling short at home. I pushed myself to excel at both, resulting in a‘superwoman’ approach where I refused to ask for help or acknowledge when I was struggling. The result was exhaustion and resentment.
Through my EQ training, I’ve gained a new perspective that I now share with my coachees. By using the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, we can navigate this guilt with intention.
1. Know Yourself: what is underlying the feeling?
Start by being curious about the guilt. Ask yourself:
- What exactly am I feeling right now?
- What is underlying this feeling? Is it concern for my child’s wellbeing, or a standard I have internalised?
- Is this guilt about my values, or am I just drawing comparisons to others?
Unexamined guilt leads to overworking, emotional depletion, and a reduced executive presence. Neuroscience even shows that chronic guilt activates a stress response that reduces our strategic thinking and cognitive flexibility.
2. Choose yourself: presence over perfection
This part of the model is about being intentional rather than operating on automatic conditioning. Ask yourself:
- Am I operating from fear or judgment?
- Am I holding myself to an impossible standard?
- What choice would reflect my actual values, rather than society’s expectations?
Our children and our teams don’t expect perfection; they want our presence. The greatest gift we can give is to be truly engaged. One of my clients a few years ago beautifully illustrated this by starting ‘pamper dates’ with her young daughter. Some weekends it was mother-daughter manis or pedis; other weekends it was a special high tea. She found that she benefited immensely from this, both from a relational perspective and in her own wellbeing.
We can spend hours with family while distracted by emails, or we can spend less time but be truly emotionally available. Dedicate that time to quality interactions. If you need to work after hours, set aside specific time for that when your child is occupied elsewhere. Please also remember to prioritise ‘me’ time to replenish the energy you expend trying to be everything to everyone. Use that time to set priorities so you don’t become overwhelmed.
3. Give yourself: modelling purpose
Instead of apologising to our children for working, try explaining why you choose to work and what your purpose is. This is the ‘Give Yourself’ pursuit of doing things for a reason and modelling that for the next generation.Children of working mothers often demonstrate strong independence and broader views of gender roles. More importantly, they observe how we:
- Handle stress and re-energize.
- ‘Repair’ the connection after we miss something.
- Talk about our work with passion rather than resentment.
Be intentional and name your choices. Try saying: “I am working because contributing matters to me”. Remember, no matter your job, what you do matters, otherwise that job wouldn’t exist!
Transforming the guilt
Instead of trying to eliminate guilt, try to transform it. Examine it with curiosity. It is highly likely that your reason for working is closely aligned with your core values. Try completing this sentence today: “I choose to work because …”The goal is not to be everywhere at once, but to be aligned wherever you are. Guilt is not proof that you are failing; it is proof that you care. How you choose to interpret that guilt is up to you.
Step into your day with intention.