We can choose courage or comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.
[BRENÉ BROWN]
If I asked you if you would want to feel vulnerable, I’m pretty certain that the answer would be ‘no’. On the other hand, if I asked you if you wanted to be brave, I’m sure your answer would be ‘YES!!’ Who wouldn’t want to be brave, right?
Now comes the catch – to be brave, we have to first be vulnerable.
It takes courage to be brave and courage requires vulnerability, yet no one wants to be vulnerable – only brave. Culturally, we believe vulnerability is weakness. The Merriam Webster definition of vulnerability is “to be capable of being physically or emotionally wounded”. Sounds pretty scary …
Brené Brown describes vulnerability as uncertainty – not knowing but doing it anyway. It involves risk. Saying “I love you” first, trying for another baby after a miscarriage, or starting your own business … These are all examples of being vulnerable, having the courage or being brave enough to do it any way.
Brené Brown believes that you can choose courage, or you can choose comfort, but you can’t have both at the same time. She also says that “you can’t be a courageous leader if you can’t have hard, uncomfortable conversations, be able to give and receive hard feedback”. Discomfort is the great enemy of courage.
Think about how often you avoid discomfort.
What would happen if the next time you feel vulnerable, you channel your courage and bravery to do what is right rather than what is comfortable?
How many of us want to fit in, be part of the crowd, be accepted and liked?
I know I often feel that way, wanting to know what others are wearing before I choose my outfit is one of my most common feelings of ‘wanting to fit in’, so when I heard Brené Brown saying that “Belonging is the opposite of fitting in” I was a bit confused, but was also curious.
So, what does it mean to belong?
True belonging is when you don’t have to change who you are. In fact, it demands that you be who you are!
If you fit in because you have changed yourself, it is not belonging. Yes, wanting to wear the ‘right’ thing may seem trivial, but consider how many people, particularly children or teenagers, change how they speak, how they act, and will at times do extreme things to fit in.
People low on intrinsic motivation, in other words more extrinsically motivated, may be more motivated by others’ opinions of them, and can become susceptible to changing themselves to fit in. A core human need is to belong not to fit in! If we fit in because we have changed ourselves, it is not belonging. You will start to lose yourself in the fitting in. The minute you become who you think you need to be to fit in, is when you belong nowhere.
It takes courage and vulnerability to be who you are but in doing so, you will learn to truly belong.
The media is forever telling us what we should look like, how we should act, what we should have, but true courage as Brené Brown says, “is when you can tell your story and like who you are in the process of doing that”.
- Do you feel comfortable in your own skin?
- Do you believe that you are worthy of true belonging?
It takes courage to fail
It takes courage to fail, and if you never fail it means you have never really extended yourself. You must strive for your goals and believe you can do what is needed to reach them, and when you encounter failure along the way, you mustn’t see yourself as being a failure.
Being a failure is not the same as failing. You are not a failure!
Remember, the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger …
You can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.
True belonging is the courage to stand alone, a valuable message particularly for our youth in these challenging times. Empathy also requires courage which in turn enables connection.
Referring back to my opening question …
- Do you want to feel vulnerable?
- Can you allow yourself to be vulnerable if vulnerability leads to courage and bravery?
Let’s challenge ourselves to be more courageous as leaders in the workplace, home, sports field, community.